The Federal government of Australia has taken to warning its citizens of the dangers of traveling abroad. And one of the more dangerous countries apparently is – Canada!

Oh, Canada!

O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command.

With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!

From far and wide,
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

Ummm, all the Australians I have ever known would be offended if you tried to warn them they were in danger. In fact, a couple of them would turn downright violent if you tried to suggest there was something tougher than them down the road. And that was before a liter or two of Fosters or Barefoot Radler.

Be that as it may, herewith the official Australian list of Canadian dangers:

Terrorists, thieves and tornadoes - oh, Canada!

Australians considering a trip to the Great White North may find themselves quickly making other plans after reading their federal government's travel advisory on Canada.

The Australian Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade recently updated its "Smart Traveller" website - intended to give travellers "up-to-date information about the risks Australians might face overseas" - and classified the world's nations into five categories based on their current "security situation."

Canada falls into the second safest category, called "exercise caution" (not as safe as Chile, Romania and South Korea), with terrorism listed as the top concern. [emph added]

"We advise you to exercise caution and monitor developments that might affect your safety in Canada because of the risk of terrorist attack," the website reads.

"Pay close attention to your personal security and monitor the media for information about possible new safety or security risks."

While the crime rate in Canada is acknowledged to be "similar to that of Australia," tourists are warned to remain vigilant as "pick pocketing and street theft occurs at tourist destinations, hotels and on public transit."

I’ll note in passing that before Canadians got themselves saddled with a conservative national government the greatest danger was the loss in value of the dollar (dollar Francaisé in Quebec) when shopping in the States. Now it’s all terror, all the time up there.

Those conservatives sure know how to be terrified of people with brown skins, though, don’t they? Why, a cynical man might think they’re just like our conservatives.

Somehow I don’t think Canada is less safe than Chile or Romania. It doesn’t seem like Chile has a great deal of terrorism activity now that they have a leftie government and have clamped down on the rightwing paramilitary goons. And I know the biggest danger in Romania is having your car stolen. Whereas in Canada – I’ve seen the Canadiens play at Madison Square Garden and the Islanders were not terrified.

And if you thought the dangers of wingmen with suicide hockey pucks was bad, wait till you hear about the Canadian climate!

The section on climate, which was just updated with new information about natural disasters, would turn even the most hardened adventurer away.

"Heavy snowfalls and ice in the winter can make driving dangerous. The wind-chill factor can also create dangerously cold outdoor conditions. ... The province of British Columbia in western Canada is in an active earthquake zone. Alberta and British Columbia are also subject to avalanches. ... Tornadoes can occur in some areas of Canada between May and September. Bush and forest fires can occur any time in Canada."

If I weren’t such an adventurous, laugh-at-danger kind of guy, I’d probably cross Canada off my list of refuge countries in the event of another Republican in the White House.

But I think the real motivation of the Australian government trying to keep their cobbers out of Canada is fear that they might try Molson Golden Ale. They'd definitely overstay their visas.