I'm feeling really sick today - not just because there are actually some idiots down here in Florida voting for Rudy. I have tremendous phlegm and a touch of a fever. Fortunately I have some stuff put by for such an occasion.

Enjoy.

Terms Of Endearment

When your spouse addresses you, it's wonderful to hear terms like "Sweetie-Pie," "Honey-Bunch," "Love Muffin," "Cute Stuff," "Darling," etc. On the other hand, you might give some thought to re-examining the relationship if you are called in to dinner with names such as: "Devil's Spawn," "Antichrist," "Slobbo," "Dufus," "Dork-Head," "Spam-Brain, " or "the Defendant."

Change of Ownership

Things that were once "ours," are suddenly referred to as "mine." Please snap right out of the stupor of marital bliss if you begin hearing any of the following: my children, my vacation, mi/ house, my bed, my love life, my checking account, my attorney, my new locks on the door, my conversation with your mother, or my restraining order.

Cuisine

Remember the days she would spend lovingly preparing for you her signature meal of minted sweet-carrot salad, seven-vegetable couscous. Mediterranean roasted chicken, garlic mashed potatoes with arugula, fresh vanilla bean ice cream over handpicked raspberries, and an Irish coffee? Your marriage might be in trouble if this has now all been replaced by a Slim. Jim taped to the refrigerator door.

Sounds

If you have detected that the sound of your spouse dancing through the house singing "I Feel Pretty," has been replaced by the echoes of her sitting hunched over the tub weeping for hours on end, counseling may not be such a bad idea.

Recreational Choices

Differences of opinion in ways to spend leisure time are often a clear indication of trouble in paradise. Say, for example, you want to see the latest Steven Seagal movie, whereas she would prefer to attend a meeting of the Women Whose Lives Are Hell Because They Live With Immature Irresponsible Uncommunicative Pigs Support Group. A simple difference of leisure-time choice? You be the judge.

Memory

Suddenly, you can't remember how certain things got to where they are. You find yourself saying, "Funny, I don't remember that FOR SALE sign being on our front lawn," or "I don't remember a book called Where to Meet Men being on my wife's nightstand before."