It seems America is in a lot of economic trouble. The economy is suffering, and we could all sit around and play the blame game, or we could do something about it. (I know, I know, throw out the r’s and vote in Democrats.) That always used to work, and might work this time. But that will put off the recovery until sometime late in 2009, or maybe even 2010.

We need to do something now. Right away. So Mr Bu$h has decided that he’s going to give everyone some incentive- some walking around folding ca$h to just go out and spend, just like he wanted everyone to do after 9/11. We sure showed them Saudis then, didn’t we? We spent like drunken sailors, but somehow the economy got overheated and we have this recession thing – that’s the second one for Mr Bu$h’s occupation of our White House, but as I said this is the time for action, and we can do all the recriminations later.

He’s going to send out these checks - $300 for single people, $600 for couples, and as I understand up to $1600 for people with children. So I decided to write Mr Bu$h and suggest a better plan.

Dear Mr Bu$h,

I know Presidenting is hard work. I’ve watched you now for seven years and you’ve made a royal fuckup of the job. Now, I know you’ve been to college, and to graduate school, so I know you’re a smart guy. So to have a smart guy like you screw up the job is surprising, but I’m not here to lay blame. As I said we need to fix the country and we can do the recriminating later.

I just wanted to point out that, as a widower I’m only supposed to get $300, hut here’s the deal: I’m retired, and don’t work, so I have lots of free time on my hands, and I’m a real patriotic American.

So I want you to send me a check for $3,000. Since I don’t work, I’ve got lots of free time to go shopping and I’ll do everything I can to help you end this second recession of yours.

No need to thank me. I figure it’s my patriotic duty, now that so many multi-millionaire CEOs are out of work, what with the catastrophic collapse coming our way because of the unregulated mortgage things causing our unregulated banking system to fall apart.

The sooner you send me my $3,000 check, the sooner I can get started saving the country.

Your friend,

Lurch

PS: what kind of stuff do you want me to buy? I could use a new TV. Should I buy a TV made in Japan or one made in Korea? I could also use a new computer. I guess they're all just about Japanese now. Should I buy one of those computers the Chinese are making? You know, the ones an American company sold to China? I hear those are pretty good, even if they do have that special doo-dad in there that sends a recap of my day's work overseas every night while I'm sleeping.