Since I feel so crummy I can't exert myself. Brain hurt, ya know? But the eyes work all right so here's the always fascinating Paffendorf. Tell me your toes don't move. Go on. I dare you.

Tuesday Afternoon Home Rave Video Blogging

I'm feeling really sick today - not just because there are actually some idiots down here in Florida voting for Rudy. I have tremendous phlegm and a touch of a fever. Fortunately I have some stuff put by for such an occasion.

Enjoy.

Terms Of Endearment

When your spouse addresses you, it's wonderful to hear terms like "Sweetie-Pie," "Honey-Bunch," "Love Muffin," "Cute Stuff," "Darling," etc. On the other hand, you might give some thought to re-examining the relationship if you are called in to dinner with names such as: "Devil's Spawn," "Antichrist," "Slobbo," "Dufus," "Dork-Head," "Spam-Brain, " or "the Defendant."

Change of Ownership

Things that were once "ours," are suddenly referred to as "mine." Please snap right out of the stupor of marital bliss if you begin hearing any of the following: my children, my vacation, mi/ house, my bed, my love life, my checking account, my attorney, my new locks on the door, my conversation with your mother, or my restraining order.

Cuisine

Remember the days she would spend lovingly preparing for you her signature meal of minted sweet-carrot salad, seven-vegetable couscous. Mediterranean roasted chicken, garlic mashed potatoes with arugula, fresh vanilla bean ice cream over handpicked raspberries, and an Irish coffee? Your marriage might be in trouble if this has now all been replaced by a Slim. Jim taped to the refrigerator door.

Sounds

If you have detected that the sound of your spouse dancing through the house singing "I Feel Pretty," has been replaced by the echoes of her sitting hunched over the tub weeping for hours on end, counseling may not be such a bad idea.

Recreational Choices

Differences of opinion in ways to spend leisure time are often a clear indication of trouble in paradise. Say, for example, you want to see the latest Steven Seagal movie, whereas she would prefer to attend a meeting of the Women Whose Lives Are Hell Because They Live With Immature Irresponsible Uncommunicative Pigs Support Group. A simple difference of leisure-time choice? You be the judge.

Memory

Suddenly, you can't remember how certain things got to where they are. You find yourself saying, "Funny, I don't remember that FOR SALE sign being on our front lawn," or "I don't remember a book called Where to Meet Men being on my wife's nightstand before."

Our good friend BadTux has found the best advertisement I’ve ever seen against “young blondes alone in the house” slasher horror films.

Oh, bugger it. Let's have some fun here.

Saturday Afternoon He Knows You're Alone Video Blogging

I suppose everyone knows that Calvin Klein has a perfume named “Obsession”?

Oh my gawd!!!! Her lips were open!!!! AWWWRRRGHHH!

Speaking of obsession:

Nude Buttocks May Cost ABC $1.4 Million

WASHINGTON - The Federal Communications Commission has proposed a $1.4 million fine against 52 ABC Television Network stations over a 2003 broadcast of cop drama NYPD Blue.

The fine is for a scene where a boy surprises a woman as she prepares to take a shower. The scene depicted "multiple, close-up views" of the woman's "nude buttocks" according to an agency order issued late Friday.

ABC is owned by the Walt Disney Co. The fines were issued against 52 stations either owned by or affiliated with the network.

FCC's definition of indecent content requires that the broadcast "depicts or describes sexual or excretory activities" in a "patently offensive way" and is aired between the hours of 6 a.m. and 10 p.m.

The agency said the show was indecent because "it depicts sexual organs and excretory organs , specifically an adult woman's buttocks."

The agency rejected the network's argument that "the buttocks are not a sexual organ."

This is such a target-rich paragraph…

This happened in 2003. Now it is 2008. Our FCC is just now waking up from its long slumber and discovering that a woman took a shower in 2003. Apparently taking showers is offensive to the Miss Prudes at the FCC. They’re OK with Michael Savage’s and John Gibson’s obscenities, but showers are right out of the permissible box.

Note also that Disney, that wonderful republican company that brought you the 9/11 film lies, is involved in sexual pandering. How horrible! What will Mickey say?

By the way, the FCC has now officially endorsed the republican position that buttocks are in fact a sexual organ. Just in case all the pederasts and perverts among the republican politician class hadn’t known that.

On another front,

GIRLS GONE WILD IN PENNSYLVANIA!!!

Cell Porn Scandal Hits Pa. High School

ALLENTOWN, Pa. (AP) — Police faced a difficult if not impossible task Thursday as they tried to stop the spread of pornographic video and photos of two high school girls, images that were transmitted by cell phone to dozens of the girls' classmates and then to the wider world.

District Attorney James B. Martin said at least 40 Parkland High School students believed to have received the images would not face prosecution as long as they show their phones to police by Tuesday to ensure the images have been erased.

But students at the school said the distribution was far more widespread.

"Most people got it and kept passing it along for fun to everyone in their phonebook," said Jon Gabriel, 16, a junior who said he received and deleted the images.

Apparently teeners in Allentown no longer engage in cow-tipping. Maybe they’ve been watching too much NYPD Blue, or too many half-time shows of NFL championship games. They’re doing exactly what teenagers have done for about 4,000 years, but it seems they’re not ashamed of it.

And that is probably what has the authorities all hysterical, because they seem to believe sex is dirty, and shameful, and has to be hidden away, lest the kids’ bestial natures come to the fore.

Let me add this as a troll prophylactic: I don’t endorse teenage sex. I don't need to; teenagers find out about it all by themselves, and if I had a teenaged child I’d try to discourage it, because it does distract you from other things, like school, and studying, and chores, and authorized extra-curricular activities like team sports and band and such. Failing that, I’d make damned sure they knew about the marvels of latex.

Despite the best efforts of parental figures I did it, and was damned glad I could. (Thank you, Regina West, Leslie Newman, and Jillian Kauffman. Wherever you are today let me hope you are happy.) And if my school grades suffered a bit I think I was a happier young man for it.

A state trooper was sent to the school Thursday and will return for two more days to ensure that images were erased from the cell phones of students whose parents got letters from prosecutors. The letter explained what had happened, set a deadline for erasing the images and asked the parents to sign consent forms.

Martin said students who fail to comply by the deadline could be prosecuted in juvenile court for possession of child pornography.

One of the girls in the pictures is shown engaging in a sex act with an unidentified boy, Martin said. The other girl took and transmitted a photo of her bare breasts, he said.

Martin said he was not certain if the girl shown having sex had known she was being photographed. As for the other student, "she's a victim and she's not a victim," he said.

"Our thrust has been to get the kids to come forward and we've indicated we will not charge them for possessing the images," Martin told The Associated Press. "I'm not sure what we're going to do with the participants at this point."

This is just stunning. Is there no crime at all in Pennsylvania? Don’t they understand that blowing this up to such an incredible extent just makes everybody more curious about it all?

I’m sure District Attorney James B. Martin is a very effective prosecutor, and I’m certain he’s hell on wheels with serious crime. I know he worked very hard to get to the bottom of the Charles Cullen matter, but I am glad I’m not one of his children. I will wonder whether his kids are required to have their cell phones examined every night.

The Federal government of Australia has taken to warning its citizens of the dangers of traveling abroad. And one of the more dangerous countries apparently is – Canada!

Oh, Canada!

O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command.

With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!

From far and wide,
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

Ummm, all the Australians I have ever known would be offended if you tried to warn them they were in danger. In fact, a couple of them would turn downright violent if you tried to suggest there was something tougher than them down the road. And that was before a liter or two of Fosters or Barefoot Radler.

Be that as it may, herewith the official Australian list of Canadian dangers:

Terrorists, thieves and tornadoes - oh, Canada!

Australians considering a trip to the Great White North may find themselves quickly making other plans after reading their federal government's travel advisory on Canada.

The Australian Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade recently updated its "Smart Traveller" website - intended to give travellers "up-to-date information about the risks Australians might face overseas" - and classified the world's nations into five categories based on their current "security situation."

Canada falls into the second safest category, called "exercise caution" (not as safe as Chile, Romania and South Korea), with terrorism listed as the top concern. [emph added]

"We advise you to exercise caution and monitor developments that might affect your safety in Canada because of the risk of terrorist attack," the website reads.

"Pay close attention to your personal security and monitor the media for information about possible new safety or security risks."

While the crime rate in Canada is acknowledged to be "similar to that of Australia," tourists are warned to remain vigilant as "pick pocketing and street theft occurs at tourist destinations, hotels and on public transit."

I’ll note in passing that before Canadians got themselves saddled with a conservative national government the greatest danger was the loss in value of the dollar (dollar Francaisé in Quebec) when shopping in the States. Now it’s all terror, all the time up there.

Those conservatives sure know how to be terrified of people with brown skins, though, don’t they? Why, a cynical man might think they’re just like our conservatives.

Somehow I don’t think Canada is less safe than Chile or Romania. It doesn’t seem like Chile has a great deal of terrorism activity now that they have a leftie government and have clamped down on the rightwing paramilitary goons. And I know the biggest danger in Romania is having your car stolen. Whereas in Canada – I’ve seen the Canadiens play at Madison Square Garden and the Islanders were not terrified.

And if you thought the dangers of wingmen with suicide hockey pucks was bad, wait till you hear about the Canadian climate!

The section on climate, which was just updated with new information about natural disasters, would turn even the most hardened adventurer away.

"Heavy snowfalls and ice in the winter can make driving dangerous. The wind-chill factor can also create dangerously cold outdoor conditions. ... The province of British Columbia in western Canada is in an active earthquake zone. Alberta and British Columbia are also subject to avalanches. ... Tornadoes can occur in some areas of Canada between May and September. Bush and forest fires can occur any time in Canada."

If I weren’t such an adventurous, laugh-at-danger kind of guy, I’d probably cross Canada off my list of refuge countries in the event of another Republican in the White House.

But I think the real motivation of the Australian government trying to keep their cobbers out of Canada is fear that they might try Molson Golden Ale. They'd definitely overstay their visas.

It’s been a horrible week. George Bu$h has nothing but contempt for the country, its Constitution, the non-millionaires, and especially Congress.

Time to feel good for a short while.

Saturday Morning Feel Good Video Blogging

Dance, feet.

Don’t it feel good?

Burnout

Who’s the sanest?

Wednesday Morning Video Blogging

Now that the Nevada and South Carolina preliminaries are out of the way it’s beginning to look a bit more like Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama will carry the Democratic standard later this year.

I feel somewhat disappointed because Ms Clinton is really the Corporate candidate – there must be champagne corks popping tonight in DLC headquarters. This is not a good thing for patriotic Americans.

Barack Obama on the other hand, is either a rookie or an idiot because he’s been blathering republican themes for the last couple of weeks. This is not a good thing for patriotic Americans.

It would have been nice to have had a real Democrat fighting for the country, but Bill Richardson is out and it looks like John Edwards is on the way out, with about 4 Big Media knives in his back. Memo to the underclass: if we ever get one of our own in our Oval office make sure he/she crushes the American media until they are nothing but dust, spotted with our spit.

At least those two aren’t official republicans.

Maybe we’ll have another chance, somewhere down the road.

Saturday Night Dreaming of a Brighter Tomorrow Video Blogging

Richard Knerr died this week. He was 82. He and a childhood friend, Arthur Melin, formed the Wham-o company, and the result was a 50 year toy company which brought us some of the most significant cultural icons of our youth, (Well, maybe my youth. You young whippersnappers might not know what the hula hoop was.)

Wham-o also produced the killer toys called Frisbees, the Super-ball, and something called Slip-n-Slide. But one of their best toys was a silly little bit of frippery called Silly String. There’s no really good way to describe Silly String. It is asshattery in a can. Mothers all over the US were frantically happy that it’s easy to pick up off tables, lamps, coat racks, shelf units, fish tanks and even cocker spaniels.

There is a military use for Silly String: spray it across a suspect area, or in a room, and it hangs up on tripwires. Several ladies across the nation have campaigned for donations to ship the stuff where it was needed, as featured in this CBS TV report.

The campaign seemed to have been a big hit with folks at home.

And it has been appreciated by the REMF troops, too.

Kids can never resist a good toy.

Paul Bogosian is a lifetime US government bureaucrat. He graduated from college in 1972, enlisted in the Army and then got a Master’s degree. He has been working for us since 1976. He recently gave a talk at Association of the U.S. Army's (AUSA) Aviation Expo in Arlington, Va., Jan. 10th and discussed the future of Army Aviation.

U.S. Army Must Reinvigorate Future Rotorcraft Design, Aviation PEO Says

As the U.S. Army begins to shape its future concept of operations for vertical systems, the service needs to begin thinking more creatively about new designs and technology if it is to advance its rotorcraft capabilities, aviation program officer Paul Bogosian says.

"The concern is...we're fielding essentially the same kind of aircraft" with the same characteristics as in the past[.]We've contributed to behavior in the industry where we've invested heavily in existing platforms or building new versions of existing platforms."

A Teal Group study on the world rotorcraft market essentially said the same thing in August 2007, calling the nature of Army procurement "completely derivative." The study pointed out Sikorsky's newest offering, the upgraded UH-60M, is a modernized Black Hawk, and Boeing's CH-47F is a modernized version of an aircraft from 1962. Army Aviation wants to "reawaken" a drive for new designs and technology, Bogosian said. "Compound helicopters, more speed, what kinds of requirements for lift are associated with a future force?" He added that it is important to answer those questions and then "align science and technology investments to pursue those needs."

Bogosian had hoped to make "a more dramatic impact" on Army aviation science and technology (S&T) spending in an upcoming Program Objective Memorandum (POM), but Army Aviation lacks the "clarity and force to do that" right now. Which, he said, is "not a bad thing, considering DOD's consideration of the Joint Heavy Lift," which could have the effect of defining the next set of technologies for the industry. By the 2012-2017 POM, Bogosian added, "we'll see a dramatic realignment of aviation S&T."

It sounds to me as if Joe Taxpayer is going to be asked for $ome $erious money to keep Bell-Boeing and Lockheed Martin afloat as heavy combat in Iraq slowly recedes into the history books with a Democratic Administration.

I'm fine with giving the troops the best equipment possible. I just resent paying for it with carloads of $1,000 bills.

Some quick computation on the back of a napkin tells me Mr Bogosian is about ready to retire, too. I’ll just bet he’ll want to find a new job in some industry he knows something about.

After a prolonged period of imprisonment, a deranged blogger has finally broken free of his captors. Advise the FBI to call off the search. (Unless, of course, you believe that….)

Note to my lawyer: don’t pay the ransom. I did manage to find this in a newspaper on the floor of the cell, however, and it might explain a lot about the CIA’s “send George a copy” torture tapes controversy.

Friday Afternoon Video Blogging

There’s a younger male Cheney? Who knew? Chad’s got a neat job as a day manager at a super market.

This is going to be a fun thread.

Happy New Year. I hope you’re not suffering the morning after the night before.

What’s on your mind? (Yes, since we don’t get never-right trolls I can be direct and honest.) How will you pass this day?

I’ll be watching the Philadelphia Mummers Parade today at 2PM. This New Years Day classic has been a sure-fire favorite in the past. It’s available on Philadelphia’s Channel 17 and on Super Station WGN if you’re got cable or DirecTV. The entire show takes about 8 hours.

Each band works up a routine to a specific theme. Here are Some particular highlights.

Pay close attention to what has become the single most familiar feature: the Mummers’ Strut.

If you don’t know about the Mummers you can get a brief idea here and here. The annual parade is kinda sorta like the New Orleans Mardi Gras shows put on by the various crews, back before George Bu$h proved he didn’t give a shit about black people and poor white people.

There’s a large number of Mummers’ videos on YouTube.

Our British cousins have a Mummers’ tradition, as seen here in a performance put on by a Wessex Morris dance group in Dorset, in a pub (where else to find humor and conviviality in the Winter?

As we stagger off into the year of 2008 I’ll offer my very best wishes to all of you. May your health be better than in 2007. May happiness and comfort surround you and your loved ones. May you be able to hold onto your jobs in Mr Bu$h’s “booming” economy, and if you are fortunate enough to have health insurance, I hope you keep it, and that it will cover you and your family in time of need.

Finally I hope that we will be allowed to hold elections next November, and despite the desperate efforts of the republican Party to steal yet another election, I hope sufficient numbers of outraged patriots stand on the poll lines for the 6, 7, 8, or 9 hours necessary to overcome the republican voting machines and elect a Democrat to the White House, and enough real Democrats to Congress so that we may begin the process of removing the stain George Bu$h and his fellow conspirators have put on our nation.

Thank you, one and all, for reading Main and Central through this year.

To market, to market to buy a fat pig
Home again, home again, jiggety jig.
To market, to market to buy a fat hog
Home again, home again, jiggety jog.
To market, to market, to buy a plum bun,
Home again, home again, market is done.

Is it live or is it Photoshop?

Friday Night Airplane Driving Video Blogging

Here are a couple of quick plane flying clips for those of you who have big watch fetishes.

Low pass

You have to actually go and watch this one.

Santa really does come from the far frozen North. Probably not wise for 6 year olds to see.

Christmas Santa Origins video blogging

I never knew

As we count down the last few hours until midnight I want to wish each and every one of you a happy, healthy and safe Christmas and the same throughout the entire season.

If you are an observant Christian, may the spirit of Jesus Christ imbue you and yours throughout the year and may you take his real teachings to heart, remembering his message was to treat each of your fellow humans with the love and compassion he considered essential to enter into his father’s kingdom.

If Christmas is not your holiday, my wish would be for your life to be filled with the peace and love that is associated with this night, and let it guide your steps through the year to come.

Obligatory Eartha Kitt fetish video blogging

Rooowwwwwwwrrrrrrrrrr.

There’s been a great deal of discussion of this topic recently and it might be prudent to investigate the matter. Two of the better blogs who regularly discuss this topic are Mountain Runner and Swedish Meatballs. Both are good reads, although Meatballs has been accused of being NOT WORK FRIENDLY if you’re a corporate drone working in cubicleland or are employed by say, a fundamentalist christian church.

Despite what you might think, “public diplomacy” these days is not about the public talking with people in other countries. Instead, it means a government (and I do mean this here thing we’ve got across the back of our necks) outreaching to a public. What you call your basic “We care” message distributed to folks in other countries where we have need for their natural resources and don’t want them to get all upset when they find our hand in their pockets.

A good example was Karen Hughes when she was the Assistant Secretary of State for - I forget the exact title – maybe it was “Bullshitting the Third World” or something like that.

In Ms Hughes’ much ballyhooed tour through the Middle East the Under Secretary for Public Diplomacy and Public Affairs traveled through a number of countries speaking to women’s groups. The “listening tour” mainly consisted of Ms Hughes telling the various Muslim women’s groups how the United States intended to spread democracy in the region. The women were expected to listen, which was probably not what they expected, having thought Ms Hughes’ “listening tour” meant she would listen.

The Bu$h malAdministration has invested a lot of effort in public outreach in the US. When we see this sort of effort in dictatorships we call it “propaganda.” Umm. I may have made my point here.

Mountain Runner has a wealth of information about this topic, and explains what’s good and what isn’t.

Swedish Meatballs specializes in Information Operations and public outreach. You can learn a great deal there. Just put the kids to bed before you dial ‘em up, OK?

One of the best forms of public diplomacy was something I remember fondly – and vaguely, because it was a long time ago – that always happened on Christmas Eve. Way back in the dim mists of time, when the danger to our nation was outside the country, the intrepid airmen of NORAD kept watch 24 hours a day, ever on the alert for Soviet bombers, and later missiles. coming to get us with their dread thermonuclear bombs of socialism. NORAD operated a string of radar stations across the far north, always on watch.

We’d sit around the living room, listening to Christmas records on the radio, watching the tree, and I’d be fighting to stay awake because I wanted to see those lovely wrapped packages appear from Santa’s bag. Starting around 7:30 there would be an announcement on the radio from NORAD about unusual traffic around the North Pole and the game was on!

When you’re seven years old you didn’t consider the logistical difficulties of Santa visiting millions of homes in one evening; you just believed. And NORAD confirmed the truth!

NORAD doesn’t do those Christmas Eve alerts on radio or TV any more. We’re in the 21st century now and the intertubes are usually available.

But he’s still put there, braving the cold, flying through the skies at about a zillion miles an hour, making children’s wishes come true, I know it’s true because NORAD says so.

This, and the Marine Corps’ “Toys for Tots” are probably the best public diplomacy the US Armed Forces, and hence the USG, are still doing. So, thank you, gentlemen and ladies, for what you do. And may you all be home for Christmas next year.

A.E. writes from the security of his new blog Rethinking Security with a Christmas tag, which is sneaky. Hey, it’s second meme, because Mr Bu$h’s America in the 21st century is excessively sneaky!

Ok – I declare a political moratorium for the evening.

Da Rulez

1. Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.
2. Share Christmas facts about yourself.
3. Tag seven random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
4. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Welcome to the Christmas edition of "Getting to Know Your Friends."

1. Wrapping or gift bags?
Wrapped.

2. Real or artificial tree?
Artificial. Christmas lights on palm trees are silly.

3. When do you put up the tree?
It used to be two weeks before. I just don’t bother any more.

4. When do you take the tree down?
On hte twelfth of Never.

5. Do you like egg nog?
None for me thanks. It makes me do foolish things.

6. Favorite gift received as a child?
In 1951 I was given a large blue plastic model of a Sikorsky S51 helicopter. As you pushed it along the carpet the rotor turned. It was best Christmas gift I ever had.

7. Do you have a nativity scene?
No..

8. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?
Clothes! Ugh!

9. Mail or email Christmas cards?
Mail. Support the Post Office.

10. Favorite Christmas Movie?
A Miracle on 34th Street

11. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
November

12. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?
Turkey

13. Clear lights or colored on the tree?
Colored

14. Favorite Christmas song(s)?
Hark the Herald Angels Sing
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

15. Travel at Christmas or stay home?
Stay home.

16. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer?
Mostly. Sometimes I forget Shirley.

17. Angel on the tree top or a star?
Star.

18. Open the presents Christmas Eve or Christmas Morning?
Morning.

19. Most annoying thing about this time of year?
Holiday TV specials.

20. Do you decorate your tree in any specific theme or color?
No.

21. What do you leave for Santa?
Three ounces of neat rum and two aspirin

22. Least favorite holiday song?
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.

23. Favorite ornament?
A classic Tiffany egg, (I don’t say I have one, but that’s my favorite.)

24. Family tradition?
No alcohol until the turkey is in the oven.

25. Ever been to Midnight Mass or late-night Christmas Eve services?
Yes.

I will be passing this "tag" on to the following blogfriends:

Alternate Brain

The Moderate Man

Pen and Sword

Badtux

Bernhard

Steve M

Seven of Six

DK

If you see Ahmal, pass him on by. Strait-laced is not always the best way to spend the holidays.

Saturday Night Solstice Celebration Video Blogging

As Mr Zappa noted, it’s always the evil barbarian with a wrench in his pocket that melts ‘em.

No, no… relax. It’s a song title. Those scamps at Barely Political who brought us yesterday’s “Lame Bu$h” video have teamed up with the Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America to support the troops.

Barely Political, the folks that produced the “Obama Girl” video last Summer have a new one dedicated to - well, just check out the title, y’all an git down on it.

A tip of the Kevlar helmet to Bill of Portland.

My favorite Christmas seasonal story. No, it’s not religious.

Well, maybe it is, in an ecumenical sense.

Because every good story has a middle

Because every good story deserves a happy ending.

Maybe those bozos Romney and Huckabee are wrong. Maybe you can be a good person without dragging around that old oaken cross on your sleeve.

Wednesday Evening Banned Video Blogging

Wednesday Christmas Song Video Blogging

Mannhein Steamroller makes a season that is deadly oppressive for me almost worthwhile.

No, seriously, I hope those of you who celebrate this holiday have your balls decked and your mistletoe carefully hung in a different room, your inflatable Santas and elves all arranged, and all your seasonal cards distributed. (I took the easy way out. If you sent me a card last year, watch for it in your mailbox, marked “Return To Sender.”

For any of you who have decorated your homes in what New Yorkers call “guido style” I hope your neighbors don’t burn you out.

It’s 46 degrees this morning down here in the 18th century, and the Dachshund that Rules the Universe was on the scent of every doggoned thing that passed near Casa Disaster. Dogs know no sense of urgency when it’s cold enough to make your knees dimple. But the sun was still a faint threat to the East, and the air was still, except for the little monsters on the corner waiting for their school bus.

That was one of the greatest culture shocks I encountered down here. When I was a danger to society we went to school at eight in the morning. Now they’re up at five, waiting for a bus at six, and don’t get home until five, or later.

However, it was a special morning. One of the better granddaughters in the world is acing her finals at college, and expects to bring home a 4.0 semester.

Monday Morning Triumphalist Video Blogging

This gig has given me many chances to improve my state in life. I’ve learned a lot about my fellow man and his views about many matters. I’ve learned that, no matter how hard you try, someone isn’t going to agree with you and chances are good he never will. I’ve learned not to worry about it.

I’ve also learned a lot about the profession of writing, and have distilled it all to a few simple rules.

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

And finally...

34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Canada’s Darkblack supplies proof that Ricky Santorum was a prophet.

A tip of the too-small Kevlar helmet to the one, the only, 60 foot Therapod, TRex.

Just in case you thought the last two articles weren’t bad enough.

A tip of the too-small Kevlar helmet to the Agonist.

Have you ever read the label of a bottle of 7-Up? The title of this piece was a solid ad campaign closer of 7-Up for many years, and still appeared on the bottle the last time I looked, which I think was right after Grampaw carried me down to the train station so I could watch sainted President Lincoln’s funeral train ride through town on its way to the graveyard.

Anyway, enough about history, and the old goats who dream it.

Some people like 7-Up more than others. And a special nod to the young lady singer who makes Sam the Sham’s signature tune into a torch song.

Thursday Evening Because I haven’t Had a Laugh All Day Video Blogging

Now that Thanksgiving has officially passed we are into the annual holiday shopping season. If you’re married, or “keeping time” with a lady, as my sainted granny used to say, make sure you buy her a holiday present she will want, something that will show her how much she means to you, and not something “she can use.”

You’ve been warned.

I’m back from my road trip, tired, but happy, and hope you all had a good Thanksgiving holiday, even those of you who don’t observe Thanksgiving, or don’t deserve a happy day, and you know who I mean by that.

I got to catch up on some family and old friends, and that’s always good because we can live in the past, when we had a functioning government and healthy Constitution. I also got to catch up with a few enemies, and the Sicilians were right. Revenge is a meal best tasted when cold. I hope the dentist is expensive, Mikey.

I missed a few people I wanted to see, and obviously, there will have to be further road trips to catch up with them, and there are always more enemies, right?

In the meantime I see that the national intelligence quotient hasn’t risen much:

SOUTHWORTH, Wash. - A man trying to loosen a stubborn lug nut blasted the wheel with a 12-gauge shotgun, injuring himself badly in both legs, sheriff's deputies said.

The 66-year-old man had been repairing a Lincoln Continental for two weeks at his home in Kitsap County northwest of Southworth, about 10 miles southwest of Seattle, and had gotten all but one of the lug nuts off the right rear wheel by Saturday afternoon, Kitsap County Deputy Scott Wilson said.

And – no, you’re wrong.

"Nobody else was there, and he wasn't intoxicated," Wilson said.

Maybe he should just have used a bigger hammer.

Sunday Evening Video Blogging

Still out on family stuff, but thanks to Doug, Making It Work, somehow.

This video may or may not be suitable for work.

Some porn for my buddy Gordo.

The Harry S Truman Strike Group shipped out on Monday, headed for…. ?

NAVAL STATION NORFOLK - The Naval Station Norfolk-based USS Harry S. Truman Carrier Strike Group pulled away from the pier early this morning on a regularly scheduled deployment.

The nearly 7,500 sailors are likely headed to the Middle East to provide maritime security in international waters, according to the Navy.

Commanded by Rear Adm. William E. Gortney, the strike group includes the aircraft carrier and its air wing, the guided-missile cruiser San Jacinto and the submarine Montpelier.

A Florida and New Jersey-based guided-missile cruiser, guided-missile destroyer and fast combat support ship will deploy from their respective homeports and meet up with the strike group once underway.

Questions to be discussed:

1. Why is this group called a ”Carrier Strike Group” rather than a “Carrier Battle Group” ?
2. Is the difference significant?
3. What causes the difference?
4. Is it meaningful that there is no Marine Amphibious or Expeditionary Unit paired with this Strike Group?
5. Does this mean that Admirals Mullen and Fallon have finally given up resisting Dick “dick” Cheney’s insistence that Bibi Netanyahu is right and Iran must be turned into a smoking hole in the ground?

Note to children in my neighborhood: I have no candy. I ate it all myself.

Go away.

Earlier today I suffered a lapse in ki or energy, or maybe good judgment and demonstrated why cats are smarter than dogs. Most cats know to ignore anything a human member of its staff does in order to get a rise. Dogs on the other hand…

You can pretend to throw that ball for Bowser six or eight times and the damned fool will lollop off, paws pounding, ears flopping, eyes searching desperately for the ball that he knew, just knew, you threw. Great fun. After four or five minutes he starts to figure out the gag, and tries to look under your arm. Point out some birds, or trees to Bowser, which I guess is like clearing the memory on a computer by rebooting, then show him the ball again and he trusts you.

A cat would walk away disgusted. Bustedknuckles has a comment on the barking dog video below about a friend who “bagpipes” his cat. I’m not going to repeat that; it might be a felony to tell the story. But some cats are apparently more accepting than other cats.

Call this cat “O”.

Tuesday Evening Cat Abuse Video Blogging

I think clawing the knee is the cat equivalent of saying, “Oh, please, don’t stop! No! Not yet! Just a little bit more!”

Some days it's hard to write. The sheets were lumpy; the moon's phase is harshing me out; the Tai Chi isn't harmonizing the universe; whatever.

I try to keep a couple of bits on the back burner for mornings like this.

Tuesday Morning Having Trouble Trying to Write Video Blogging

Most people think cats are sweet and cuddly and lovable – until yours brings home a bird to add to the dinner stew pot. Cats are really wild creatures. They can be placated, but not really domesticated. Dogs can be bought off with a pound of liver. They live for their feed bowl and a chance to brownnose you.

Cats don’t really care unless you make them lazy and dependent on the food dish. And even then they ca be contrary. You don’t own a cat, you are one of the cat’s staff members.

Many dogs know just how ferocious and dangerous cats can be. It must be in their DNA.

Sometimes the sharks and shoals of life on the internet ocean just get me waterlogged and desperate as my brain struggles to stay afloat. Then I flounder for stuff to write about. This one’s easy. My deepest thanks to Clif-with-one-f at Sadly, No! for slipping me the nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

Sunday Music Video

Pammy Juggs’ first ever music video.

Ah! Winger racism on a Sunday morning. My work is done. Time to take a victory lap nap.

Friday Video Blogging

From The Pretenders first album. Filmed "live" in a London club provided for the recording and released in 1980 as a promotional music video.

Raucous. Unusual time change. Chrissie Hynde. What’s not to like?

Raw Story reports Dick “dick” Cheny dozed off at a Wednesday WH meeting to discuss the California wildfires, and adds some historical filler material:

Vice President Dick Cheney was caught dozing off on live television during an emergency cabinet meeting called on Wednesday to coordinate federal efforts to deal with the devastating California wildfires. "I believe the effort is well-coordinated," President Bush told reporters after the meeting, emphasizing that his administration is working to avoid the mistakes made with Hurricane Katrina.

Cheney was previously spotted napping in April 2006, during a press briefing by President Bush and Chinese President Hu Jintao. Although he insisted he had merely been looking down at some notes, photographs clearly showed him asleep, and there was speculation that he might be preparing to step down for medical reasons. Cheney was seen sleeping again during a meeting on Iraq in May 2006.

As one local Washington station suggested, "Perhaps even the vice president needs a power nap once in awhile."

The Raw Story article contains an embedded video from ABC’s This Morning America showing Mr Cheney resting his eyes. It is obvious that he was actually awake, and thinking. One can see this by the way his eyes popped open when he heard Mr Bu$h discussing helping someone. The comments of the TMA host were incorrect. A statement to this effect has been transmitted to ABC News.

It has been reported that ABC News has coincidently decided to entirely revamp its early morning lineup. Management personnel will temporarily help out until new hosts and film editors can be hired.

Readers might remember that Mr Cheney had a heart defibrillator replacement during the summer of 2007. The editors of CNN.com were obviously guilty of disrespect by referring to Mr Cheney’s life-supporting equipment as a “ticker battery” and they have been dealt with.

Summarily.

"During the vice president's annual physical examination in June, testing of his implantable cardioverter-defibrillator indicated that the device's battery has reached the level where elective replacement of the device is recommended," Megan McGinn, deputy press secretary for Cheney, said Friday.

She has said doctors must replace the entire device to replace the battery, and that the surgery will be performed at George Washington University Hospital.

During his routine checkup last month, Cheney underwent a stress test, and doctors also checked out the defibrillator, which was implanted in June 2001 to shock his heart if he experiences an irregular heartbeat. The stress test showed no blockages in his heart. Doctors also said then that his defibrillator was functioning properly and that they had not had to treat any irregular beating of the vice president's heart.

Alert readers might have noticed that since the Summary trial of several CNN editors in July 2007 and the swift dispensing of justice, the organization has been far more respectful of Mr Cheney and the Bu$h malAdministration.

It’s a little known blog, and, I think, little traveled, although the writer has traveled a bit himself. (Check out his other blog, Morocco, En Route>. Take the time to read several essays; you might get a flavor of a unique experience.)